What Are You Pretending Not to Know?
Many of my most recent conversations have been about finding the path where my passion meets my purpose. This comes with asking tough questions: Am I where I need to be? Is it time for a transition? Am I in a place or position due to scarcity (i.e. money over mission or the belief that I will never have or be enough) or am I choosing the path to which I feel most called to which is signified by a strong urge toward a particular way of life or career.
Turning Outwards for the Answers That Lie Within
The conversations I find myself having over and over with myself and others often begin with being frustrated about working long hours, not having time for myself, balancing family life amongst work related responsibilities , finances, friendships, sleep, and the need to experience more FREEDOM. The list goes on.
When I talk to my closest friends many tell me that I help them see things in a different light or believe in their ability to accomplish their goals in spite of perceived obstacles or limitations. For some, they even feel compelled to develop a deeper connection to God when I share aspects of my faith journey and how my faith in God gives me a sense of purpose and inner peace.
While finding myself on a quest to figure it all out, my thoughts are overtaken by the desire to find a new job, take a new trip, or move to a new city. However, the hardest pill I have recently had to swallow is acknowledging my tendency to use my quest for something new as a way to mask the idea that I have never fully manifested what I feel I have been placed on this earth to do. Or I am withholding by choosing with whom or in what context I will be vulnerable and authentic. I am withholding when I rob myself of the opportunity to live out the fullest expression of who I am; judging myself in the backdrop of perceived expectations projected onto me.
Why Are You Hiding?
Despite knowing that there is more for me to share with the world, I still continue to walk around pretending not to know; pretending not to know the power that lies within me. Pretending not to know that the world needs to be filled with messages of hope, faith and love all of which I have a deep conviction to share.
Several months ago, I stood on the stoop of a friend’s house sharing what life is teaching me. The more we engaged in conversation the more I felt a sense of joy and fulfillment. She was like “Wow, Tye, you have so much insight to offer! Why are you hiding?” In that moment, I thought to myself, “Why am I hiding? Why AM I HIDING?”
Why do I keep pretending not to know that I have the ability to impact lives through my words. Why do I keep pretending not to know that my vocation is tied to the fabric of who I am as a person? I am a teacher and I cultivate environments conducive to learning. I am a leader with an ability to influence others. I am a wisdom seeker that holds the idea that I can have an overcomer’s mentality in every area of my life without labeling my experiences as being good or bad, but rather I can choose to reflect on what I have learned from each experience. I am a communicator that can communicate with the intent of others getting it.
In that moment I realized that me pretending not to know continued to rob me of opportunities to share information that could empower someone or help shift their thinking in a way that could produce a ripple effect in their lives and their ability to see value in what they can bring to others. Me pretending not to know keeps me fleeing what I know I am called to do, which is provide spiritual direction and guidance by coaching people through challenging situations. I miss the opportunity to help people see that they have the power to produce any positive outcome in their life by taking responsibility of how they perceive everything in their life.
At some point , I validated the “hiding” through questioning my self-worth or whether or not my story mattered when it came to helping other people navigate the ups and downs in life. My hiding led me to continue to withhold my voice. My hiding was validated every time I judged that the significance of my story couldn’t exist when someone else’s is better, more polished, or in some instances more traumatic therefore, they mattered and their story was more substantive.
Am I the only person who thinks this way?
Resistance: Questions That Need Answers
For quite some time I have wandered around pretending not to know what I really want rather than admitting to myself that there are underlying narratives that I allow to live in my heart and mind.
I continue to remain in the question, “Why am I hiding?” I have committed to being okay with not having THE ANSWER, but instead I chose to continue going on a quest of answering by acknowledging what comes up for me when I examine my inner thoughts.
I continue to ask:
What underlying narratives am I telling myself?
Rewriting the Narrative
What narratives need to be re-written? I am remaining in the (QUEST)ion. Again, I am not looking to have the answer but I am open to answering. This means I chose to acknowledge my experience in any given moment by paying attention to what I am feeling in that moment, what I am experiencing in that moment, the memories that arise in that moment, the physiological responses that are present in my body in that moment and then let go of any narratives that are no longer serving me in that moment.
I once heard that our gifts and talents are the answer to the world’s greatest need. I truly believe every being is endowed with ENERGY that is designed to bring healing to the world when we use our talents, gifts, and resources for the greater good. I refuse to hide any longer. It’s time to author something new.
Something to Consider
What are you pretending not to know?
Are you hiding? If so, from what? How are you hiding?
What narrative could you chose to shift to author something new?